I Can't Go On
by Nate Grey
Summary: Jim reflects on losing his first love.  Very depressing.  A songfic, kinda.


I thought missing you

Note: Maybe my saddest, most angst-filled, most dramatic OS fic ever. But it is pretty short. The title of the story and the song (which are the same) belong to Tyrese, the lyrical genius, IMHO (though I doubt he wanted his songs to be used this way). Jim fans may murder or praise me for this, but I'm doing it, anyway. I still have NO clue how to spell that girl's name, despite how cute she is. Sorry.

2nd Note: I know it might get a little confusing near the end, especially when you hit the dialogue. Just try to imagine which member of the crew would say what and you should be okay.

Warning: I don't do stuff like this often. But sometimes even I can tell when I'm doing something…really disturbing. If you're the queasy kind, be careful. And to give you an idea of how this story might affect you, I actually got choked up while writing it. Maybe I'm soft. Maybe not. Just be careful, and don't blame me if you end up in tears or hating me for it. This is your official warning.

Summary: A different look at what might've happened at the end of "Cats and Girls and Spaceships." I know it's been done to death, but I haven't seen this particular one yet.

I Can't Go On

****

6:25 PM 

The Outlaw Star was scheduled to leave Symka 5 at 6:39 PM on the dot. Usually, Jim would've made it a point to be there twenty minutes early, just to do some final system checks. 

Usually.

But this was no usual day for eleven year-old James "Jim" Hawking, computer genius.

It was both the best and worst day of his life.

He'd fallen in love for the first and last time. His heart had been broken for the first and last time.

"Why didn't you come, Hanmyo?" he whispered to himself.

__

I thought missing you

Was only for today

I thought needing you

Would go away

****

6:28 PM

He could still see her smiling at him with those bright, beautiful violet eyes. The image only shattered what was left of his broken heart. The tears came slowly at first, and then in a flood that couldn't be passed off as allergies. He wiped them away, but they wouldn't stop coming.

"Oh, God, Hanmyo…please don't do this to me…"

Jim almost didn't recognize the whimpering voice as his own. He'd never felt so empty, so alone.

__

Why do I see you

In everything I do?

Why does the sunshine

Remind me of you?

****

6:30 PM

"Why do you wanna know?" she'd asked. "Do you like me or something?"

He knew the answer now. "No, Hanmyo…I loved you…I swear I did…I still do, and I always will…I swear…"

__

I can't go on, babe

The feeling is lonely

I can't go on, babe

Feeling I need you in my life

I can't go on, babe

The feeling is lonely

I can't go on, babe

Feeling I need you in my life

****

6:33 PM

He'd given up trying to stop the tears long ago. Instead, he leaned against the railing and tried to imagine what it would be like to kiss her. He remembered her lips easily enough, but to feel them pressed against his own in that first declaration of their love for each other...that was what he truly longed for.

"No chance of that now, though," he reminded himself. "She's just…gone." 

__

Is there any way

You could love me once again?

Gotta find a way

To bring back my best friend

****

6:34 PM

Jim had been so confident once they'd planned the second date. So sure that he was important to her, so sure that he—no, they—mattered to each other. He'd even bragged to Gene. Now how could he face him? How could he face any of them?

He couldn't. He just couldn't.

__

I'll sing a song for you

With the sweetest melody

Please tell me I'll find my baby

'Cause I can't go on, no…

****

6:35 PM

"Just tell me why, Hanmyo. Did I do something wrong? Was it you? Was it me? Was it anything?"

No answers, just silence.

"Were you scared? I'd still forgive you if you were. Just…tell me, please. I need to know. I…I can't do this with you, Hanmyo. I need you. Please?"

__

I can't go on, babe

The feeling is lonely

I can't go on, babe

Feeling I need you in my life 

I can't go on, babe

The feeling is lonely

I can't go on, babe

Feeling I need you in my life

****

6:36 PM

His watch beeped suddenly, startling him. Then he sighed and turned away from the sunset, starting across the bridge.

"Jim…"

He froze. "H-Hanmyo?"

"Jim…Jim…"

He risked a glance over his right shoulder.

She danced so gracefully, so beautifully. It was almost as if her feet never hit the ground. "Jim…" She smiled at him, that dazzling, sparkling smile that made him turn red in the face.

"Hanmyo…" He choked back a sob and rubbed his eyes. 

She was still dancing, but this time she beckoned him with her hands. "I'm waiting for you, Jim…"

__

You make me feel

Like I can do anything

Now I'm half a man

Without my baby

****

6:37 PM

Gene stepped out of the ship's main door. "Jim! Let's go, partner!"

Jim didn't hear him. "You…you came back to me…"

She stopped dancing and held out her hands. "Hurry, Jim…"

"Jim! Hey, Jim! C'mon, slowpoke!"

"Hanmyo…"

"Please, Jim. Don't leave me…"

"Jim! What are you doing?! Let's go!"

"…I'm coming…"

"…I'll be waiting for you…"

"It's about time! Move it already!" Gene turned to go back into the ship. But something made him pause and glance back. When asked later, he'd say it was something like a sixth sense trying to warn him…but of what, he wouldn't know until it was too late.

__

I love, I love you

Have you noticed

That I've been lonely?

I can't go on, no…

****

6:38 PM

Jim took a deep breath and stepped forward.

Gene turned just in time to see Jim leaping off the boarding platform. "JIM, NO!"

"…I'm coming, Hanmyo…wait for me…"

"…Now we can be together, Jim…together forever…"

"NOOOOOOO!"

****

6:39 PM

"JIM! DON'T YOU DIE ON ME, PARTNER! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!"

"Oh, God…! Jim, no…please…not like this…"

"JIMMY, NO! WAKE UP, JIMMY! WAKE UP!!!"

"Wait! He's…saying something…"

"…oh, Hanmyo…you waited for me…just like you said you would…"

"…I could never leave you, Jim…I love you…"

"…I love you, too, Hanmyo…always…"

He reached for her small hand in the darkness and squeezed it gently.

She smiled at him, tears in her bright, beautiful violet eyes. 

He pressed his trembling hand against her cheek and slowly pulled her closer…and closer…

Their first declaration was sweeter that he thought it would be. And it lasted a whole lot longer…

Eternity.


End file.
